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Clawing through the wreckage, my conscience besieged me…
...so terrifying an aphrodisiac, so foregone a beloved;
a ritual so ancient, a burden never deserting.
With silken whispers and a dewy repose,
she [my conscience] spun me a vial of utmost desire
…Dazed, I heard her echo,
“You magnificent beast! you unsung crusader!"
"Tell me your story!”
And I obliterated.
So, hello. It’s odd that Consortium was released about a year ago, yet the context comes now? I assume apart from this blog, there’s no real place to get a glimpse of what our processes are behind the creations of our album.
Well, Consortium was a despicable, self-destructive experience in a nutshell.
I remember how in our earlier albums we were sick of our environment and state (In Wake of a Dying Nation, The Moderate Picture) and we pined for a place to escape, a place for us, to explore (Drone Collective, In the Land of Dreams). And in our last two albums, we were reaching it….tired (The Last Strands of Fortitude) and obsessed (Proxy Nights, Misty Lights).
Well we did. And it was awful.
Consortium is in essence our drug addiction/breakup album. More specifically, it is an album about guilt, about being trapped in a destructive cycle, and about complete isolation from society. The darkest bubble you can think of.
It comes from personal experience. Which makes it really hard to talk about. Imagine having a deep, dark secret that you have kept locked away from every single person on earth. A secret that is eating away at your life, your self ordained purpose. That stands against your every principle, but you are helpless against it.
I feel that is what being addicted to a drug may be like. Hating it, yet (seemingly) cannot survive without it. And having a tiny part of your brain that enjoys this exclusive club.
This album revels in that. It is the world you have escaped to. However, there’s a reason why escaping to worlds is only a dream, and not more. The whole world around you loses purpose, you question your own sanity, and the only person to answer your questions is yourself.
The title is defined as a gathering or association of two (or more) individuals/companies…or a relationship. This album entails both, however the two parties are you and your conscience.
Don’t take my disgust about this album to mean it is bad. It is not, in fact, it is our most developed work to date: it blends melodies into a sad, emotional yet restrained balm we would never have thought of achieving. In fact, the reproach is only due to what it represents in my life, that world I escaped to and ended up losing touch with everything.
Of course, it’s a very smooth, calming composition. If you’re hooked, or in love, you wouldn’t want to hear doubts on your senses. Instead, you would like to be serenaded! This is a bit of both.
In a nutshell, this album deals with coming out of your little bubble, with your conscience prodding you and generally winning over. It’s got the same 12 step (12 tracks!) routine sans the religion used by anonymous help groups.
1. The breakthrough event that jolts you to your senses, makes you aware of your wretched little lies (Clawing Through the Wreckage, throat bile riser personally)
2. Your conscience approaching you, as an old friend, as a companion, a mother figure… to help you cross the line, make ease of the transition, bring some sense into the whole business. (Pretty much all the rest of the tracks, titles self explanatory)
3. Finally seeing the downside and the outweighing benefits of coming clean (She spun me a vial of Utmost Desire)
4. Moment of breakdown. of confessions. of sharing (Tell Me Your Story)
5. Passing on. (And I obliterated)
We never write an album unless we’re over our last one. With a big personal ordeal, you can see why Consortium has lingered with us. But we, rather I, have gotten over it. The event has passed, the bubble’s broken and now life is moving on.
This album will remain the most impactful for me. It is our most realized, honest and soul baring work. When you do that, a torrent of emotions come out, so naturally this will not be easy to listen and decipher. But the process of writing this album was crucial, letting us spill our guts in a much more primitive and less contextual matter…it may as well have prevented self-implosion of brains from keeping too many things inside.
I hate this album for what period of life it represents to me. But I hate it because it expresses those thoughts, that unsure murkiness and doubts so vividly. Almost enticingly.